Switch
by Kirei Ryuusei
Summary: Battler wonders about Kanon being able to loosen up. Knowing that it's virtually impossible for the servant to do it on his own, Beatrice casts a spell that makes Kanon 'act his age'. Kanon? Acting like an adolescent? Let the insanity begin!
1. Prologue: Curiosity, Insanity's Source

**Switch**

**Prologue: Curiosity, the Source of All Chaos**

_Hi I'm Kirei Ryuusei! *bows* Hajimemashite (Pleased to meet you). I'm excited to write this fanfic. I really hope you enjoy it!_

_Hey, this is my second umineko story, the first one that's not a one-shot. Want to say now, if you don't like it, don't review. Flamers are jerks, and don't want to deal with em._

* * *

This world consisted only of a spacious room decorated with chairs of red velvet and a beautifully-crafted wooden table at its center. Windows illuminated the area with an elegant glass chandelier hanging from the ceiling. In this room were the explanations of multiple murders were explained. Blue texts were drawn to shatter malicious red with the red sometimes prevalent in negating the modest blue. However, this particular conversation was not about any of that.

"...I'm telling you she's more psycho than Shion!" Battler commented.

"I'll give you that, if you admit that your father is more perverted than Keiichi" the golden witch, Beatrice, told him.

"Ihihihihi" the red-haired man laughed "I'll right, My old man is more perverted than Keiichi. That's no skin off my back. Say, Beato...."

The witch took a sip of tea as she cocked her head in his direction "What?"

"I've always..." the Ushiromiya searching for the words "Have you ever been curious about a person acting...different from their normal attitude?"

Beato paused mid-bite. A chocolate-covered gingersnap hung from her mouth. She asked "Mho mawe rou finking of?"

Battler leaned back in the velvet-covered chair. He sighed "Of all the people in the house it was pretty easy to imagine them being someone else. I mean since most are a bit easy to read. But..."

The Endless Witch stuffed a tart in her mouth. Crumbs lined her lips and spewed from her mouth when she repeated "Wut?"

Her opponent sighed as he took a napkin to wipe her face. He continued "But, I could never understand Kanon-kun. I mean he's....how old?"

"Sixteen" she replied, brushing stray remnants off her dress.

"I don't even want to know why you know that" Battler mumbled "Anyway, he's younger yet he acts like....how can I put it....."

"Like Kinzo?" Beatrice suggested.

The eighteen-year-old put his hand to his chin "The insanity no, but the age yes. I just would like to see him....you know...loosen up. I know that even George-aniki had his kicks when he was a teen too!"

Beatrice bowed her head. Golden bangs shadowed her cerulean eyes. The witch's shoulders began to tremble. Battler worried and started to approach her. That's when the endless witch snapped up cackling. She called "Interesting! Really interesting! If you really want to see that Battler, I can grant it if you say so."

Of course Battler and Beatrice were supposed to be engaged in their closed space game. However, the woman didn't feel like creating a new board. That and....she was also curiosity just what would happen if the young servant had been like normal adolescent male. Silence enveloped the meta-world in the form of a tea room. Blue met blue "Beato...I want you to have Kanon-kun act the opposite of his personality."

Oh how this was a premonition for disaster.......

* * *

_The idea came to me after just thinking how people stereotype teenagers. So I thought "Why not make Kanon like those teenagers?"_

_I'll write when I can but just know that I'm a student and work comes before pleasure (except on weekends)_

_Till next time, ja ne (see ya)!!!!_


	2. Ch 1: Wake Up Call

**Switch**

**Chapter 1: Wake Up Call**

_Yo you know who it is. Oh you don't? It's Kirei Ryuusei if you weren't aware._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Umineko; if I did I'd have Battler make out with Lucifer at least once._

_**Reviewer Responses:**_

_**Dlanor A. Knox:**__ Here's the next chapter!_

_**Blueberry Absinth:**__ Jessica…hm, who knows? (Oh wait, I do!) Shannon…we'll see right?_

* * *

Click. Clack. Click. Clack.

The sound echoed through the halls. Heels stepped across the wooden floors. Shannon timidly brushed off dust with a feather duster. Her eyes trailed around the area. No footsteps. No sounds of anything being moved. Not even a voice. However, this was not unusual. The maid was aware that the youngest servant, Kanon could easily do his work without making a sound. Most times it took her more effort to even hear his breathing. What was unusual was that Kanon wasn't around, she could sense it.

Though the sky was a murky grey with rain continuously pitter pattering on the windowpanes, it was currently 1:43 in the afternoon. Shannon recalled the servant's sleeping patterns. He was usually up and about by 8:00 am. Their schedules stated that Kanon was supposed to be sweeping and polishing after Shannon dusted. However, all the halls and rooms that she finished remained untouched. This occurrence was extremely strange, and it worried her. For once Shannon, half-did her chores. (Not like you could notice the difference!)The maid wandered through the halls searching, cautious not to alert the Ushiromiya of Kanon's absence.

Not in the kitchen, boiler room, bathroom, any of the guest rooms, nor the residents' rooms. Especially not in parlor with the guests. And she could just forget looking outside! Where the hell was he?! Shannon almost chalked up this as Kanon's ability to disappear and reappear wherever whenever he felt like it. That's when she passed the only room she failed to search. The servants' quarters. No....he couldn't be. Shannon had to _force_ him into bed every night.

Nonetheless she opened the door. Within the plain space that was Kanon's room. It was dark due to the lights being off and the windows closed. She spied a mass of blankets and pillows on his bed. Shannon opened the curtains only to hear a hiss "Closeit....."

"Kanon-kun, you have to get up" Shannon chided.

"Dunnwanna" was her brother's slurred response.

"But Kanon-kun---" she pulled the covers off.

The boy flinched at the air and light exposure. In his flannel pajamas with his hair disheveled the teen put a pillow over his head "No~Sleep~~~~~~"

The older sister switched flipped on "You're getting up right now!"

She ripped the pillow off and pulled Kanon out of bed. He wiped at his eyes "Fine, you win nee-san. But if you don't mind..."

He showed his clothes. The maid blushed before walking out. As soon as she was out the door slammed. Laughter was heard behind the closed door.

"Wha--" She turned the knob. Locked. "Kanon open the door!!!"

"In five more minutes" was his response before the rustling of blankets was heard.

Shannon couldn't believe it. She didn't know to be pissed or scared. Her little brother. The never-kid, always-do-your-duty, non-slacker Kanon was....was.....acting like a normal teenager!!!!!!


	3. Ch 2: Clothes and Closets

**Switch**

**Chapter 3: Clothes and Closets**

_Yo everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't been updating. I've been loaded with homework and honestly I have writer's block on this. This chapter is not my best so again I'm sorry. I swear I'll make the next chapter better to make up for it. Until then *bows* I'm afraid this is all._

_Oh but you can help me fight the writer's block. Got an idea that you want me to write? Put it in the review or e-mail it to me if you want. Please help me not make any more sucky chaps!_

Shannon decided to believe that Kanon was sick. So sick that he was delusional. She decided that until he was better or at least not half insane, that she would have to cover his duties _and_ keep Kanon away from the family. If he acted anything like that in front of Natsuhi-sama or Krauss-sama they'd...they'd...Oh Shannon couldn't bear to think what would happen if that happened.

Meanwhile, the said teen awoke, stretching his limbs. The sun was high in the sky as he lies sprawled across the bed "Ngh...I really don't wanna work today..."

However, he shoved off to look in his closet. What was inside made him frown "The hell? What am I, a shut in?"

In the meta-world Battler and Beatrice were howling with laughter at the comment. Kanon seethed as he glared at the clothes.

Kanon glanced around the closet for something _anything_ better. He faintly saw the corner of a box. His hands reached up to grab it but fell short. The servant commented "You know being sixteen and having the height of a middle-schooler sucks. Why'd I set it so high?" his answer rang into his thoughts. Right. 'Not appropriate for furniture', man what the hell was I thinking?!

Kanon was extremely glad that no one could see him right at this moment. His hand reached for the box so far on the shelf as he jumped up and down. A moment of joy was felt as the boy had the feel of the cardboard box. That was instantly ruined once he heard the shelf come loose. A stream of curse words were uttered form his mouth before he was buried underneath a mound of clothes.

He moaned "Dammit....."

About fifteen minutes or so later the black haired teen clawed his way through the mass of uniforms and oak board with the item he tried to get "My precious...." (I give cookie to who ever guesses the movie)

Inside the box were clothes that Shannon had gotten him on multiple occasions. Every article unworn. At least until now. Kanon slipped on a pair of jeans with a rip or two on them, adorned with a couple chains, a white tee with a black hoodie vest. A pair of tennis shoes on his feet (I don't care if this wasn't style or existent, I do what I want).

Kanon exited his room and wandered around. Shannon caught sight of him. Her jaw dropped "Kanon-kun, what--what are you wearing? We're on the island. We're at work. You-You can--"

"Chill nee-chan, it's just..." he pondered for the word "A change of pace. It's not like there's a dress code anyway."

Shannon chided "But Natsuhi-sama--"

"Yes Shannon?" a voice came behind her. The maid whirled around, hiding Kanon behind her. She glanced left and right for some solution and managed to look behind her to see the cleaning closet. In a second she opened the door and pushed her surrogate brother in before standing in front of it.

"What was that?" Natsuhi wondered.

Shannon put on a forced smile "Nothing, Natsuhi-sama. I was just putting up some supplies."

Natsuhi didn't seem to notice anything unusual. She straightened the creases from her dark dress. The lady queried "You called my name for something?"

"Nee-chan!" Kanon's muffled voice called from the other side.

The brunette lady said over her brother's cry "I was just coming to ask if there was a tea of preference from Natsuhi-sama today!"

"Shannon there is no need to yell," Natsuhi scolded "It's unbecoming of a lady."

The servant gave a slight bow "Hai."

"Let me out!" was heard.

Startled, the Ushiromiya lady turned her head in various directions before asking "Was that Kanon?"

"Uh..." Lying was not the maid's forte but she hadn't been detected yet "Are you feeling well today, Natsuhi-sama? You must be hearing things. Allow me to fetch some tea for you."

Natsuhi was whisked away by the maid. This left poor Kanon stuffed in the closet, tangled in the brooms and buckets. His struggle was heard by Kinzo. He opened the door and Kanon tumbled onto the floor.

"Ah, Kanon, I was just looking for you." Kinzo commented.

Kanon brushed himself off and thought of why Kinzo would want him "Please tell me it's some outrageous prank."

The Ushiromiya head merely smirked. A glint of mischief shone in his eyes. Oh this would be sweet.


	4. Ch 3: Sabotage with Butter and Pepper

_My gosh it's been forever since I updated this thing. What's it been? A year? Well sorry~ high school ain't all fun and games. In fact for the longest time it took my creativity and it took a summer to recover. So I'm sorry for my delays. I'm going to get back to updating this as often as I can with my junior schedule (it's even worse than last year!)_

_Reviewers Response:_

_**Zepar:**__ Correct! *gives cookie*_

_**CelestialExplorer:**__ Thank you so much for all the ideas!_

_**Blueberry Absinth:**__ *gives cookie*_

_**~~~~~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~~~~~**_

"Kinzo are you sure this is gonna work?" Kanon wondered as he and the said man were hidden within, ironically, a closet. They had set up all their pranks and awaiting for the guests and residents of the mansion to trigger the. The blue-eyed servant's employer eagerly awaited with a gleeful face reminded him of a child's. Kinzo gasped. "When has my pranks failed?"

The changed teenager incredulously at the old man. "The Flood?"

"How was I supposed to know that Krauss could fix the rig on the facuets?" the head of the Ushiromiya family defended.

Kanon deadpanned. "He's your son."

"Otou-san _(1)_?" speak of the devil, it was Krauss. The father of the businessman rarely seen outside of his room so the eldest son intended to pester the psychotic male while he had the opportunity. Kinzo instantly cupped his hand over the furniture's and his own mouth before they left a crack in their hiding spot to watch their efforts unfold.

"Otou-san!" Krauss entered their visuals. The blonde wildly scanned the vicinity for his parent. His mouth poised to call again. Then his legs were swept from under him. The normally strict mannered male was sent sailing in the air for milliseconds before his body collided with the ground. "Shimatta _(2)_!"

Kinzo and Kanon stifled their laughter as their prank succeeded. They silenced themselves as they listened to another set of footsteps approach the scene. The click-clack against the wooden floorboards indicated the oncoming person was female. This was only confirmed as a feminine voice wondered. "Onii-san _(3)_?"

It was Rosa, the youngest of Kinzo's children. Krauss was rubbing his butt as she walked forward. The mansion resident warned. "Rosa don't it's-"

His warning came to late as Rosa lost her footing. The ankle length red skirt the sandy-blonde lady wore fluttered outward, exposing her undergarments to her brother, father, and the servant. Red flushed onto the teenage boy's face with an expression of glee. He murmured. "Damn, Rosa's got some sexy legs."

"What?"

"Nevermind." Kanon muttered as they continued to spy on their handy work. Rosa and Krauss were stuck in a…suggestive position with Krauss beneath his sister, with Rosa straddling the male. His legs were entangled with Rosa's lingerie still exposed.

Suddenly a voice cried. "What's going on here?"

"N-Natsuhi!" her husband cried in surprise. "T-This isn't-"

WHAP!

That single sound resounded in the room. Rosa gasped as she fell off her sibling. Kinzo, rocked back and forth to stifle his chuckles. Kanon jaw dropped. His employer, the migraine-prone brunette, Natsuhi just b****slapped her spouse and huffed away. Krauss held his reddened cheek and started after his wife only to slip again, landing on his face. The blonde wiped at the substance that smudged on his face.

It was slippery, thus why Krauss and Rosa had sprawled onto the ground. It smelled familiar, like something you would have with breakfast. It was yellow, it was then Krauss realized what the substance was. Butter. Someone buttered the floor.

"Where are those servants?" flustered and embarrassed, the man wondered. "Genji! Shannon! Kanon!"

From in his hiding spot, Kanon whispered. "Your son is lazy teme _(4)_."

Kinzo nodded in agreement. From the hall emerged the oldest servant, Genji. His stoic mannerism had him greet. "You called, Krauss-sama?"

"Clean this butter up!"

Mentally the transformed furniture noted: _Get Krauss later. _Both of the Ushiromiya children left the room leaving the white-haired man to his duties. Genji fetched a mop and a bucket of cleaner. He began mopping when he said. "Kinzo-sama, I presume that Kanon-kun is under your order today?"

From the distance a variety of yelps were heard through out the mansion. All fear the power of butter! Kinzo snickered at his relatives' tumbles. He hoped to see someone fall off the stairs later today. The senile old man opened the closet door, brushing off the imaginary dust off his cloak. "That would be correct. Which reminds me, Kanon, isn't the hour nearly up?"

The said guy checked his watch. "It's 16: 50 _(5)_, yeah."

A wicked smile graced the old man's face as he grabbed Kanon's wrist, rushing down the halls like an estatic child. He arrived at the kitchen and headed to pantry. The dark-haired youth was shoved in first with Kinzo following behind. Rubbing his sore wrist, the boy was about to complain about the death grip when they heard the restaurant-style entrance to the kitchen open. In stepped the chef for the Ushiromiya family, Gohda.

"Ah the stew should be about ready." he said in a sing-song tone. Kanon resisted the urge to pop out and strangle the man; he couldn't stand being in the vicinity with him. Then a smirk developed, but soon Kanon will feel some sweet revenge for all the times he'd be scolded and blamed for Gohda's shortcomings.

The stocky man grasped the lid of the pot. As soon as he lifted the lid, a grotesque face popped up. The kiss-up servant screamed in a pitch matching a female's. In blind terror Gohda dashed from the kitchen, screeching the entire time.

Kinzo and Kanon fell out of the closet laughing. Another voice quipped. "Kukuku, quite the joke."

The older maid for the household commented as she entered from the second available doorway to the kitchen. First to recover from his laughing fit, the teenager wondered. "You're not gonna rat us out are you?"

"Rat you out? For what?" A sly smile appeared as Kumasawa innocently said. "All I saw was Gohda run out as if the hounds of hell were chaing him."

Gratefully, Kanon returned the smile. Kumasawa was like the mother that never saw their child misbehaving, as the blue-eyed guy was doing now. The sixteen-year-old removed the mask and spring that were hidden in the stew, erasing any evidence that they ever there. However the furniture spilled a nearby spice. Some of the flavoring whisked into the air, and into the personality-changed servant's nose He coughed and gagged. "Sh**! sh**! sh**! It f***ing stings!"

Both of the elderly people only stared before laughing at the misfortune of the teen. After sneezing out enough of the spicy garnish, chili powder, apparently, the boy breathed a sigh of relief. His moment of karma being a b**** left him with another idea. Kanon gathered all the spilled powder and put it into the mixture along with some cayenne pepper. Using the spoon to stir the additions so they weren't detected, Kanon wasn't done with his sabotage.

He walked over to the tea cart. The tea was still bubbling on the kettle, however all the finger foods and a the dishware were already set up. The dark-haired male grasped the pot that held the sugar. He went over to the trash can and dumped it out. He then filled it with a substance identical to the sugar, salt. Footsteps meant some people were returning.

The older two were squashed, trying to exit out of the alternate route since the other is where the newcomer was coming from. Kanon, not bothering to try and shove with Kinzo and Kumasawa, opted for hiding. The only spot available was the tea cart. Ducking under the linen, the blue-eyed furniture managed to seat himself under the cart just as the elderly duo managed to escape and the door opened.

"I-It's in here…" the shaken voice coming from the archrival of Kanon, Gohda.

The click-clack across the floor informed the teenager, that the chef brought along a woman. Shifting of a lid was heard. "I don't see anything, Gohda-san. Are you trying to do something in appropriate, again?"

Immediately the voice was recognized as his surrogate sister, Shannon. Flustered, the dark-haired arrogant man defended. "T-That was only once, how was I supposed to know that you were showering?"

"Uh, knock?" Shannon answered. Gohda had been caught in the bathroom while she was in the shower and once while she was dressing. To the normally shy maid, he had intentionally peeped on her and got caught in the act. Whether or not it was true, the brunette didn't trust the cook. "Just get the food served, everyone seems to have had a long day of falling all day."

The tea cart began to move as Shannon pushed the cart to the dining area, where all the Ushiromiya were gathered, bruised and sore from slipping on the floorboards. Blue eyes peered outside of the cloth and saw…heaven.

Shannon may be called his 'onee-san' but they weren't related, meaning Kanon was free to look at her in suggestive ways as he was now. He noted her legs and even the lacy lingerie she was sporting. For a maid, his sister was pretty damn hot. A finger was held to his nose to suppress any blood that threatened to flow out.

As the maid made around the table, she stopped in front the familiar sight of his infatuation, Jessica. He whispered. "Jessie. Jessie!"

Hearing her name, the blonde whipped around. She prepared to speak his name aloud when the servant put a finger to his mouth. Warning his crush he said. "Don't eat, don't drink, oh and let's hook up later."

All of that the brass knuckle user understood until she heard 'hook up'. Was this the same Kanon? He even called her 'Jessie'! Before she could ask, the cart moved and the said person winked before being obscured by the linen of the cart.

The cart was reparked later in the kitchen. Kanon held up his palm and slowly curled each of his fingers. When his hand was in a fist a simultaneous spit take could be heard before cries of burning mouths and salty teas resounded, leaving a grin on Kanon's face.

Buttering the floor

Annoying his boss

Sabotaging the lunch

Probably putting his enemy in the worst trouble in his life…..

All and all, Kanon believed he had a pretty productive day.

_**~~~~~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~~~~~**_

_Ah, I needed something to get back into the swing of things. I'll try to not run off on another hiatus, kay?_

_Just know, flamers, stay the hell out, and all other reviews and ideas are welcome._

_Authoress' Notes:_

_1) Otou-san: 'father'_

_2) Shimatta: 'Sh**' or 'Dammit'_

_3) Onii-san: 'older brother'_

_4) Teme: b******_

_5) 16:50: 4:50 in the afternoon._


	5. Ch 4: Hits and Misses

_Yeah, taking forever again. Can't help it. But summer's coming up so I should be able to finish this one…eventually._

_**Reviewers' Response:**_

_demon windy:_ I actually got that idea from watching this show called Pranked. Man, I wish I could try it out too. It'd be funny.

_**~~~~~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~~~~~**_

Kanon had said he wanted to hook up with Jessica, but the problem was he had somehow gotten himself lost in the mansion. He never knew his way around so he had a map that showed him where everything was. However, he had spilt coffee on earlier that day so he was completely and utterly screwed.

If only he could've heard the sound of arguing adults or dirty jokes from the teenagers only a couple halls down…

Meanwhile…

"Mou, I'm bored, let's play a game," Jessica suggested suddenly. Ever since lunch she was thinking about Kanon's words to her. 'Hook up'. Were those words in his vocabulary? All the cousins and adults turned to her, wondering what her idea was, "Like…spin the bottle!"

"But all of us are relatives, Jessica," her father reasoned. She quickly thought, "That just makes it more interesting. If you're so worried about then let the servants play too."

Everyone pondered this for a moment but then men made their decision once they heard, "Please excuse me, the tea is ready." Males heads turned to see the fan service known as Shannon with a tea cart. They may be married men (with the exception of Battler and George) and love their wives, but who'd pass on a sweet piece of ass like that? They gathered around, with the women joining reluctantly. After all that only meant older men were joining.

"Battler, you can go first," Jessica told him. She honestly wanted to hold out until Kanon arrived. Battler, being the pervert he was, complied with no complaint. He twisted the bottle around. It spun in a full circle at least 5 times before slowing down in front of…Rudolf. The red-haired guy paled, "No way in hell."

"You have to Battler-kun," Kyrie teased. He shook his head, "Won't do it. I'm not kissing that old bastard."

Eva then thought of a truly embarrassing punishment for those that refused the kiss, "Then you will die…"

"What?" Everyone exclaimed.

The orange-haired woman looked up at her previous text and scratched her head, "Oh, typo. I meant 'dye'" all the people in the room let out a sigh of relief and let the eldest Ushiromiya daughter speak, "their hair pink."

Dye their hair pink? All the people within the room pondered the thought, while examining their own hair. Finally, unanimously, the entire group shuddered. Battler, defeated and humiliated, went over to his father. He silently prayed to god before doing a quick peck on the lips. He shortly said after, "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Me as well," Rudolf agreed as the two guys hurried out the room. The remaining people gulped, fearing they would have luck like Rudolf and his son. Gathering the courage, George pushed his glasses back onto his face. He grasped the glass bottle. His hand twisted and the bottle spun in a counterclockwise way. Everyone looked mesmerized as it went from person to person. Finally…it slowed. It crawled to each person. It was slowing near Shannon, Maria, and Jessica. George hoped for it to slow early so he could get his future fiancée. It stopped in front of Shannon. His face lit up when the maid sneezed. The bottle moved to her right, towards Maria. His face fell and his glasses fogged, "R-Rosa-oba-san, you seriously cannot let me do this to your daughter."

Rosa whistled innocently and didn't make eye contact with him. Her daughter excitedly cried, "A kiss~ ! A kiss~! Uu-! Uu-!" She jumped up and glomped her cousin. She smothered him with kisses. Afterward George turned away from his family and curled into a fetal position. Shannon went to comfort him, "George-sama…"

"No, no…Just leave me be…" he sniveled.

Genji insisted on being next. He spun it and it landed on…Shannon. The man got up without complaint and walked over. He placed a kiss on her. Then out of nowhere the music could be heard. It was a guitar playing notes in a crescendo, "_I've been really tryin', baby…tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long…_"

Everyone gaped. Marvin Gaye's 'Let's Get It On'? It was the ultimate song for loving. And it did not fail as the kiss became deeper and more frisky. My goodness, who knew Genji had it in him? Shannon was even surprised. Was she developing some lust for this? He was so experienced and was leading without a word. When they were done, all the women were blushing and looking at the butler with some newfound feeling…

Gohda was given the bottle next. He spun it gingerly. Round and round…finally it stopped at the doorway. He sighed in relief. It meant he didn't have to kiss anyone. Yeah, karma's a bitch. At that moment, Kanon walked into the doorway, "There ya are."

The chef paled, "You cannot be serious."

"Kukukuku, I believe it will be refreshing to see you with pink hair, Gohda," Kumasawa laughed quietly. The chef swallowed hard, _If I dye my hair, how will I be able to show myself at the poker tournament next weekend? Ah…damn…_

Gohda got up and Kanon asked, "What the hell do you want? Hey wait why do you have your lips like that? God no! RAAAAPPPPEEEE!"

It was silenced once the cook had his lips on the teenager. Blue eyes widened in pure horror. It was only two seconds but it was a lifetime of torture for Kanon. Once he was let go, the servant dashed out the room. Rudolf and Battler, whom returned from cleaning out their tongues, moved to the side when they saw Kanon speed past them. Rudolf whistled, "Damn the kid should run track."

"Kanon-kun!" Shannon called after her little brother and ran down the hall, her skirt fluttering about. Everyone peered their heads down the hall to wonder the fate of the boy. Suddenly they heard, "KANON-KUN PUT THE BLEACH DOWN!"

"I HAD MY FIRST KISS TAKEN BY A SENILE OLD MAN! LET ME DIE!"

The Ushiromiya and servants shook their heads…Poor boy. Meanwhile Shannon was wrestling with Kanon over an open bottle of bleach. They went back and forth for a while. Finally, she managed to pull it away and put her little brother into an embrace. His face was in his chest, "Mfy rafe if iw mofhe woows. Whts. If. Raphsoze!"

"It's alright Kanon-kun, just calm down…" she chided the teen. Poor Shannon she didn't realize that Kanon's message translated into the following: "My face is in some boobs. This. Is. Awesome!"

_**~~~~~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~AllHailEccentricness~~~~~**_

_Yeah that was a crack pairing bonanza! Oh and Genji is the lady killer? Who'd've thought? That and is this beginning of a pervert? Probably…_

_Until next time!_


	6. Ch 5: The Talk

_Again, no excuse for a lack of updating but I'm out to try and amend it. That's my New Years Resolution. So just bear with me as I try to get myself out of this funk I've been in for months on end. Disclaimer: I do not own Umineko otherwise the parody stuff I'm doing would've been in the extras._

_**Reviewers Response:**_

_OhMyGeePinkSucksAss: Yes, it was a Drake and Josh reference. I wondered how many would get that._

_Pheoniix: Oh damn, maybe I should put a warning saying that dying from this story is possible._

_Bokmal14: Thank you!_

_demon windy: Yes, with spin the bottle, someone's gonna be screwed over._

_orangpumpkins: It's just because you said that that I'm updating_

_**~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~**_

Kanon was still cringing at the events that had transpired the previous day. He felt like no matter how hard he scrubbed his mouth with toothpaste, soap, soda, and anchovy paste (don't ask) the feeling of that damned chef's lips would never leave. Now the teenager understood how girls felt when they said they were 'damaged goods'. That was invasive and nasty! Kanon was considering suing but his employers forbade it.

"It's all a conspiracy. C-o-n-" Kanon muttered before he paused, realizing he couldn't spell it, "-spiracy. Sadists. All of them."

"Quite done now, Yoshiya?" a voice came out of nowhere.

"Holy shit!" the boy cried in surprise. He spun around and put himself in a karate position. This was met by a chuckle from Kumasawa. The old woman covered her mouth as she poorly attempted to cover her snickering, "Chiyo-oba-ba (1), are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"Kid if I'm not getting one, you definitely aren't having one," Kumasawa responded, "I know you had a bad experience."

"Try scarred for life."

"But it has brought up an interesting subject that I think needs to be addressed," the old woman told him, "I think it's time we had…the talk."

It was appropriate since Kanon was an orphan. Kumasawa had always served as his mother. However, that was the _last_ thing Kanon wanted to do. He had only turned on his heels when the mackerel-obsessed woman grabbed his hood, "Now, Yoshiya-kun."

"Oh dear god…NOOOOOOOOOO!"

The other people within the mansion heard the cry however, they found it chilling when it went silent shortly after.

_**~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~**_

Kanon was locked up in a room more secure than the closed rooms Beatrice created. He was tied down with ropes to a chair. The teenager hadn't stopped struggling ever since he was put in his confines, "Uh, Chiyo-oba-ba, this really isn't necessary…I'm serious. I think I know-"

"You think you know but you don't, Yoshiya," Genji told him as he sat in a chair across from him, "but I think it's time we had the talk about the bird and the bees…You see when a man loves a woman, he realizes many things about her. It may be her laughter or personality. But!"

The teenager was internally flinching at the 'but' and what it entailed. He always considered Genji as his dad. Yet he seemed less so as he rounded Kumasawa. Goosebumps went down the boy's skin as he noted his surrogate father moving—almost stalking towards the woman's backside, "Most of all, you notice the—"

"Kukuku, oh my." Kanon's face turned to sheer disgust, even sticking out his tongue wishing he could unsee what he saw. There was Genji _groping_ Kuwasawa's ass, "anatomy of a woman!"

"God, I get it! Just stop doing old people love! It's gross!" Kanon cried.

"We haven't even got to that part, Yoshiya-kun, but since you're so eager…" the housekeeper responded as she pulled out a VHS, "we'll get straight to it."

Any one from outside the room could hear, "NO! NO! NOOOO! KILL ME NOW! OH GOD! THAT'S HORRIBLE! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

Hideyoshi happened to be walking by with his brother-in-law coming from the other side. The man turned to the blonde-haired man, "Krauss-onii-san, what are you doing to the poor boy? Tearing out his fingernails?"

"No…but I think Genji and Kuwasawa are having the TALK with Kanon-kun," both looked at the closed room where there were agonized cries. Their head hung in mourning FOR the youth and at the same time uttered, "Poor soul…"

_**~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~**_

**(Hours Later)**

The two adults turned off the television, "So do you get it now, Yoshiya-kun?"

"I didn't know women could bleed there…" the male responded as he swayed back and forth. His eyes were wide and twitching, "And the baby…Ah, god…so much blood…and screaming…"

"And that was only one of them. Would like to see an—"

"No! No more! No more please, I beg!" Yoshiya was in tears and rocking in the chair, "Just make the scary sex talk go away, make the scary sex talk go away!"

Kumasawa whispered to Genji, "He won't be on any girl anytime soon."

"Good, leaves us time to prepare."

Poor Kanon…

_**~~~~AllHailEccentricity~~~~**_

_Don't ask what was going on in my head because quite frankly, I don't even know what was up with me._

_**Authoress Notes:**_

1) oba-ba: a very informal way to say grandmother. Commonly translated as "old lady" or "granny."


	7. Ch 6: Role Model

_Kihihihihi! I'm back babes! I got my college stuff together so I'm basically kicking back until graduation! Unfortunately, I also made it into sectionals in track so my coach is wanting more time dedicated to practice. More practice usually means more impromptu sleeping. _

_**Reviewers Response:**_

_orangepumpkins:__ Maybe~ You'll just have to find out what's true and what's not._

_Nacht Schleier:__ Hm…I haven't tried that. But I DO know I'm on sugar! Sweet, sweet sugar…._

_**~~~~All Hail Eccentricity~~~~**_

Yoshiya blew a raspberry to the air as he exited Krauss's office. His employer poked his head out to finish his scolding, "Honestly, Kanon, I understand that you're still a developing young man but this behavior simply cannot continue."

"It wasn't that bad. Eva wasn't bitching about it," the teenager attempted to argue. The man rubbed his temples, "That's because the swelling from her _allergic reaction_ blocked her vocal cords."

"And you're _complaining_?" he pressed. Krauss coughed. It was true that any break from Eva's mouth was a gift but he didn't need to tell Kanon that. The man responded, "Kanon-kun, you need a good influence in your life. A role model and I can tell you that I know just the-" Krauss adjusted his jacket, smiling as he spoke. Of course he was referring to himself but when he looked back to the teen he was nowhere to be found, "where did he go?"

Yoshiya long since fled the scene, still getting lost around the mansion. However, he still heard Krauss's warning to find a role model. At first Yoshiya scoffed at the thought. Originally-when he was his old boring self-Genji was his model. He was exemplification of furniture (pft, furniture), loyal and hard-working. But now that he was different…and he had seen the dark side of his idol. The more…elusive, sugar daddy, suave-talking, playboy side of Genji scared him.

So…he no longer had a role model. The teen thought aloud, "But it's not like a new person to idolize is just gonna come flying through the door."

Suddenly there was a crash and a bang as the door on the left splintered into thousands of pieces as a huge emerald-eyed beast was flung through the hall and door across from the left. From the room on the left emerged a blur of purple and black. It flew into the room the beast landed while crying, "Get back here! I'm not done skinning you, you damn cat!"

His eyes widened in shock, What the hell was that? Rather than running away, Yoshiya scurried closer. His eyes peered into the unlit room. Inside he could only make out streaks of black and white slashing at the emerald spheres of the abomination. There were howls from the wounded before it fell into silence. When all was said and done, golden orbs stared at him, "Ah, it got out of hand, again."

Not understanding the stranger, Yoshiya thought, added to the coolness that he witnessed. Meanwhile, the young man thought of how he was going to explain his presence to the witness. Before the unknown intruder could open his mouth, Yoshiya spoke, "You're…so…awesome!"

"Ex…cuse me…?" the person said, completely confused before he winced, grasping his side, "Shimatta _(Dammit)_…"

Yoshiya rushed forward to help the guy from falling. He thought to worry about the wound the stranger sustained but a the same time he thought, _He's so cool!_

_**~~~~All Hail Eccentricity~~~~**_

**(Yoshiya's Room)**

"So, he's gonna alright, right?" Yoshiya asked Nanjo as he bandaged the wound of the now unconscious guy. The doctor wiped the sweat from his brow as he finished, "Just what were you two doing, Kanon-kun? Playing with knives?"

"Uh…rough housed in the wrong place?" he answered, surprised even by his own words. Nanjo raised a brow. Kanon rough housing? The only roughness that the doctor knew the teen was capable was lifting things for gardening. Strange it seemed, but then again, so were Kanon's clothes. Closing his medical bag, the doctor sighed, "O…kay then but Kanon-kun, who is this? I've never met him before."

Kanon didn't know how to respond. He stammered, "Uh…well…He's…He's…"

"I'm his friend," the voice came from the bed. Now Nanjo was really suspicious. Kanon had friends? As much as the doctor would hate to admit, he doubted Kanon's ability to gain friends. He was always standoffish with his peers and unable to talk to them properly.

But then again, this Kanon was different from his normal personality. The teen then continued, "Ano…yeah, that's right. I…I uh invited him to Rokkenjima before the conference! Yeah, that's it…"

"You know that isn't allowed without the permission of Natsuhi-san and Krauss-san," the doctor scolded. The stranger responded, "Kanon here was telling me that but I didn't listen and snuck on over here. Gomen _(sorry)_."

Nanjo massaged his temples, "I suppose it can't be helped…Just don't push too hard…"

"Willard," the person responded, "but please call me Will."

_**~~~~All Hail Eccentricity~~~~**_

_dun dun dun! It's the appearance of Will! But wait, why's he younger? And what's he gonna do now that he's on Rokkenjima with Kanon?_


End file.
